feeling like a professional again

This is hard to explain: Last week I was incredibly depressed, so much so I couldn't leave the house. I was inexplicably anxious and sad all at once. I have thought about the causes, the cures, the ramifications. One of the things I came up with is that the dissertation process is a long, lonely road with very little validation. It is like no other academic experience I have had, and frankly, one I sometimes wish I wasn't in the middle of.

I think part of it is that I have questioned myself, my intelligence, my motivation, my goals, my strength, for the last three years so that it is hard to feel that I have grown at all. Of course I know that is not true, and there are days that I feel that old confidence coming back. But those days have been few and far between. I have come to truly believe that the PhD process is designed to wear people down so that only the strongest survive -- the ultimate form of academic Darwinism, not to mention academic hazing.

Which brings me to the realization that there is part of me that cannot wait to get back to work. Since beginning grad school there have been times that I missed students, missed the day to day life of work, missed working with an office full of fun and engaging people. But I've come to realize what I miss most is feeling confident and competent.

On Tuesday I interviewed for an Assistant Dean of Students position, and I got a taste of feeling confident again, and I really liked it. I met with students, talked about enrollment and retention issues, discussed parent relations, listened to people who were passionate about the work they do with students, and felt like I was home. I don't know if I will be offered the job, though I left the interview feeling incredible. But whether I get the job or not I've gained some confidence back. I remember why I went to graduate school . . . I wanted to learn, gain more knowledge to be able to make a difference to students, to an institution, to higher education as a whole.

Slowly things are coming back into focus.