confronting my own prejudices

I've been slacking off a little with the blog thing since I've been away from home, but now that I am settled for a few days (ten to be exact) in my self-imposed isolation (well, not that isolated since I am in the Bay Area and I am at my uncle's home and I have a chance to visit with my wonderful cousin and her husband) to work on analyzing data, I thought this would be a good time to jot down a few thoughts. Besides, as my blog description states, I have mastered the art of procrastination!

My first year of graduate school a fellow student told me about a church-going experience that he had that has left a real impression on me. He was at church one Sunday morning when a man, who he described as 'homeless-looking,' walked in and sat down among the regular parishioners. My friend noticed that people looked at the man uncomfortably and sort of shifted in their seats. A well-dressed mother and daughter seated in the same pew got up and moved, and my friend, who was seated a couple rows directly behind the man soon realized why. It seemed that the man had not bathed in a while. More and more people looked at him uncomfortably and moved away. My friend was tempted to move away as well, but then he thought about what had brought the man to church and how the man must feel to see people moving away from him as though he were a leper. He thought about how he would feel if he were this man coming into a church to worship, entering a place that purports to be kind, loving, and accepting, only to find people unwilling to accept him into the community. My friend stayed right were he was, shook the man's hand during the service and thought little of it. But what he did think about was his own potential and actual reactions.

When he told me this story I thought about my own prejudices, things that I am confronted by every day. I know I have mentioned before that I am one of the most liberal and accepting people you will ever meet, but that doesn't mean I can easily give up the ideas of power and privilege that my race and social status afford me. But what I can do is question my immediate gut reactions by asking myself, "What made me think that?"

A good example: As Big J, little j and I were driving to the coast we stopped at a very, very small town in the southern Oregon coastal range. This is an area that has been devastated by the slow-down of the timber industry, and the poverty is readily apparent in these small towns and the faces of the people who live there. We stopped so I could use the restroom and I went into a little convenience store that serves as the town grocery. As I was standing in line, surrounded by white men, I felt a wave of panic rise up. I actually felt nervous about being among these men who were obviously poor, definitely dirty, and sadly quite smelly. But at the same time I felt that concern I asked myself why. Certainly I was in no danger, they weren't going to take one look at me and say, "Hey boys, look at the clean white woman!" I'm sure to them I was just another tourist passing through on the way to the beach. The problem was mine, and mine alone.

I am often ashamed to admit my own prejudices, but I know that by admitting them, at least to myself, I acknowledge that I want to change my outlook, that I want to be able to look at someone without passing judgment, and I want to honestly be able to say to little j that we are one world of people and our differences strengthen our community.